Adulting and Amma

Right after school, I made it a point to stay away from home, at every chance I got. I was too excited to be away from the chaos of the family (read, parents). I fell in love with all the peaceful morning routines I had set for myself, despite the cash crunch and the zero-outing policy I had to stick to (coz of the cash crunch, DUH!)

But things changed, when this became the way of life. Marriage happened.

I love this adulting. 

I love all the independence that came along with it. 

I love being myself, not having to worry about others' approval. 

I love taking life as it comes without having to convince others of what I want to do. 

By others, I mean, my parents, mostly.

But with all this, 

I miss being that little girl with all the restrictions in the world, having to strive for every opportunity of independence and to prove myself at every frickin' step in life.

Why?

One word - Amma!

I dread the constant chains of thoughts inside my head - things to do, things to buy, things to throw, things to clean and so on.

I miss having to only plan out outings and meetings, and for everything else, Amma was always there!

More often than not, I would get hung up on what to cook for the day. Luckily, I only had to worry about two meals, and S was not a picky eater, at all. I was worried for and about me, only ME! I am a very hard one to please, at that.

Amma has always been juggling between work and home, she has always had dual roles to play- the nurturer and the provider. She has hardly had enough time to pack lunches to school. I never liked how she had no time for me. And that made me zero-tolerant to thought-less food.

I miss going back home, most of the times with Amma waiting for me on the road, coz I always went home an hour after the time I said I'd return. And, she'd be worried. God! How I miss her hundred million calls in the mean time!

Now, I carry a house-key and can just get back, or even not, at a time that pleases me. But what is the fun in opening the door yourself and just being there?!

Sick days were the pampered best. My all time sick day food would be Chinna Vengayam pota Vethakuzhambu sadham.

I don't have the patience for chinna vengayam nor vethakuzhambu now. Sick days are literally the same as every other day, except for an addition of a couple of Paracetamols.

No matter how hard I try, Amma was always the first one to be up and running in the house, immaterial how early we get up.

Now, no matter how hard I try, I am the first one, up and running about my day, juggling things and chores. And, I am usually packed, and out of the house, before the others are up.

All these just make me miss being under the same roof as her. I miss not being the responsible one. The accountable one. I guess, I just miss not being the adult.

I live like 12 km from Amma, and my fortunately my workplace is 2 km from her. I stop by, in the evenings, almost everyday, even if it is just for 10 minutes.

May be this life preparing me for the better. May be this is how it is, for all. 

None of us, back home, were capable of supporting her ride. Ironically, despite not knowing even to ride a bicycle, she was, is, and will always be the driving force of the family.

The Break-up Letter

*God! this is gonna be difficult!!*

Dear TCS,

I should have never cared. But I did care, I cared a lot, I still do, and that's why this is the hardest thing I ever had to tell you.

 

I didn't plan on falling in love with you, I know you didn't either. But years ago, once we met, things just happened. And, both of us knew better than to let go of each other. I remember when you walked into my campus for the first time. Can't believe its been 4 years already. "So long, farewell, it's time to say good-bye." This is my last couple of days, with you, as yours.

In case you are wondering why, I just want you to know, it's not you, it's me. It is not because of the boring, long and taxing work hours. You should know, there is much worse, outside. No, it is not the stale food either. Everyone knows that, it has never been your biggest asset, but I still chose to like whatever you had for me. It is definitely not because of my parents too. They adore you. They are proud that I am with you. They will always love you and probably always hate me for leaving you. But I have to do this.

I know I am being selfish. I am sorry, but I think I need some time for myself - to do the things I have always wanted to do. The list is long, and never ending, at times, but this might be the last chance I can ever take to check things off my list. I tried doing all that whilst still being with you. But looks like things just do not work that way. Being 25 is the last call to concentrate on other things and I do not want to ignore this opportunity. Yes, it is a huge risk, but if not now, I might never be able to do any of this, any more. I need time, and that is the time we usually spend together.

There's no love like the first. You are not just special but also very memorable. Our first date with all the tests and interviews and the chaos, will be my fond memory, always. I was this love-struck teenager, trying with all my might to impress you. And then, it took over a year for us to be together again. I knew we were meant to be together, so I waited, patiently, devotedly.

As promised, our days began in Chennai. First few months were pure fun. Despite all the odds of technical training and multiple tests, we made a great pair. You brought out the best in me. You gave me a chance to prove myself. The projects and tests were simply bringing us closer. I cherish all those times we had, with each other. And that is when you wanted to move to Bangalore, which I right away agreed to. To me, only being with you matters, and nothing else.

We flew places together. We met new people like us. You introduced me to a lot of your friends. You identified my strengths and appreciated my passion. You encouraged me like no one else did. 3 years seems to have gone in a jiffy, for the memories are still nascent. You gave me confidence. You made me bolder and more mature. You were the one, who talked me into following my passion. And that is the reason, we are here now. I have to go and that has to be now.

I will miss waking up thinking about you. I will miss being with you everyday. But I have to learn to live with it. This does not mean a goodbye forever. I am still going to be in Chennai, and we can still catch up. I know it can never be like the old times, but it can still happen. We will be friends, staying in touch, smiling at each other every time we pass by, silently wishing each other the best, always.

I can already see myself talking to the new people I meet, about you, about the wonderful time we have had. May be, one day, I will come back, and I wish you would take me back, as yours, for I can never find anyone who can replace you in my life, ever.

You will be missed.

Trying to get my lazy ass moving !!!

Its been almost 5 months i even opened the Blogspot !!

No wonder S calls me a couch potato !!

So, here I go...

Lets check and cross every line of the previos blog and see how much I have accomplished so far.

1. Travel - make 6 weekenders (2-day trips, every other month) and 2 extended weekenders (more than 2-day trips, once a half year), and NEVER repeat destinations. - 5 weekenders - Salem, Bangalore, Hyderabad, Coonoor, and Tirupati in that order. 1 extended weekender - Matheran- Pune.
2. Click - though this sounds pretty much 'apparent' with the previous goal, gotta make something more than just travel photos. - much done !
3. Practice RAW. Learn Lightroom too ! - Although this has been on the list since last year, hoping this year to be the last. - nothing as yet !
4. Make 12 blogs, once a month, to begin with - this is going to pretty easy with Bells and Knots on its way. - 11 done, including this :D
5. Read 12 books and make sure they are good, if not it doesnt count - Now that I have totally lost the habit of reading, this is gonna be herculean. - 2 done :(
6. Learn to bake. - DUH !
7. Volunteer - Something that I am losing touch sadly, with all the new practices lined up in queue. Gotta make a serious attempt and get back to being myself. God ! How I loved 2013-2014. - a dot, it is.
8. Japanese - Take up the language seriously, atleast practice even if not exam oriented. - never crossed my mind ! Good I opened the list today !!
9. DRIVE - followed by roadtrips. This could make weekenders easier. - still got a lil time
10. Smile - It could take you through anything. Stay happy - It makes your enemies jealous. - ha ha :D
11. Take loads of selfies with people around - they are always happy memories. - done, at best !
12. Play a game - atleast a couple of days a month. Its been like ages I played basket ball or throw ball. Its been over a year for shuttle too. Start over. - Board games, a lil, others - none !
13. Swim - Once a month atleast. - god ! this is such a nightmare ! should start over !!!
14. Surprise people - for happiness is highly contagious - remember every birthday and anniversary. Make them feel special. - mostly ! However, Surprising S is always herculean, more than herculean, I should say.
15. Never carry troubles to bed - Sleep, happily. - very much :)

Looks like I have made a decent progress, isn't it?

The 2015 Bucket !

Here goes my list, in no particular order.

1. Travel - make 6 weekenders (2-day trips, every other month) and 2 extended weekenders (more than 2-day trips, once a half year), and NEVER repeat destinations.
2. Click - though this sounds pretty much 'apparent' with the previous goal, gotta make something more than just travel photos.
3. Practice RAW. Learn Lightroom too ! - Although this has been on the list since last year, hoping this year to be the last.
4. Make 12 blogs, once a month, to begin with - this is going to pretty easy with Bells and Knots on its way.
5. Read 12 books and make sure they are good, if not it doesnt count - Now that I have totally lost the habit of reading, this is gonna be herculean.
6. Learn to bake.
7. Volunteer - Something that I am losing touch sadly, with all the new practices lined up in queue. Gotta make a serious attempt and get back to being myself. God ! How I loved 2013-2014.
8. Japanese - Take up the language seriously, atleast practice even if not exam oriented.
9. DRIVE - followed by roadtrips. This could make weekenders easier.
10. Smile - It could take you through anything. Stay happy - It makes your enemies jealous.
11. Take loads of selfies with people around - they are always happy memories.
12. Play a game - atleast a couple of days a month. Its been like ages I played basket ball or throw ball. Its been over a year for shuttle too. Start over.
13. Swim - Once a month atleast.
14. Surprise people - for happiness is highly contagious - remember every birthday and anniversary. Make them feel special.
15. Never carry troubles to bed - Sleep, happily.

To be continued...

My baby gets an upgrade !

December is undoubtedly the bessssst month of the year, every year.

Guess what I did this year?

I decided to give my almost-year-old Nikon, an upgrade with --

Nikon AF-S DX NIKKOR 55 - 300 mm f/4.5-5.6G ED VR Lens

Again, it was not an easy decision to make.

I have been clinging on to 70-300 mm VR IF-ED lens for over 6 months now. Despite the huge hole it would make in my pocket, I loved every single thing about that lens. The size, the weight, the quality, just e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I was perpetuallly dreaming about having one. Honestly, the only reason holding me back - it was waayyy bigger than the available credit on my card.

All year, I have been so intensely planning to save some credit to buy this one in December. Now that December is here, I still couldn't pick myself to order this one, straight from my cart. With the wedding and all coming up next year, I didnt feel it was a judicial spend. I started having second thoughts - if I actually needed an upgrade.

It was then I happened to stumble upon 55-300 mm, and was pretty pleased with the features and the price. It was then followed by extensive surfing AKA research, for a couple of days, and lo !

Here it is.. being packed and shipped to me.

Afterall, I am the gonna-be-bride, its December and I knew I deserved some pampering for all that's laying ahead of me.