Right after school, I made it a point to stay away from home, at every chance I got. I was too excited to be away from the chaos of the family (read, parents). I fell in love with all the peaceful morning routines I had set for myself, despite the cash crunch and the zero-outing policy I had to stick to (coz of the cash crunch, DUH!)
But things changed, when this became the way of life. Marriage happened.
I love this adulting.
I love all the independence that came along with it.
I love being myself, not having to worry about others' approval.
I love taking life as it comes without having to convince others of what I want to do.
By others, I mean, my parents, mostly.
But with all this,
I miss being that little girl with all the restrictions in the world, having to strive for every opportunity of independence and to prove myself at every frickin' step in life.
Why?
One word - Amma!
I dread the constant chains of thoughts inside my head - things to do, things to buy, things to throw, things to clean and so on.
I miss having to only plan out outings and meetings, and for everything else, Amma was always there!
More often than not, I would get hung up on what to cook for the day. Luckily, I only had to worry about two meals, and S was not a picky eater, at all. I was worried for and about me, only ME! I am a very hard one to please, at that.
Amma has always been juggling between work and home, she has always had dual roles to play- the nurturer and the provider. She has hardly had enough time to pack lunches to school. I never liked how she had no time for me. And that made me zero-tolerant to thought-less food.
I miss going back home, most of the times with Amma waiting for me on the road, coz I always went home an hour after the time I said I'd return. And, she'd be worried. God! How I miss her hundred million calls in the mean time!
Now, I carry a house-key and can just get back, or even not, at a time that pleases me. But what is the fun in opening the door yourself and just being there?!
Sick days were the pampered best. My all time sick day food would be Chinna Vengayam pota Vethakuzhambu sadham.
I don't have the patience for chinna vengayam nor vethakuzhambu now. Sick days are literally the same as every other day, except for an addition of a couple of Paracetamols.
No matter how hard I try, Amma was always the first one to be up and running in the house, immaterial how early we get up.
Now, no matter how hard I try, I am the first one, up and running about my day, juggling things and chores. And, I am usually packed, and out of the house, before the others are up.
All these just make me miss being under the same roof as her. I miss not being the responsible one. The accountable one. I guess, I just miss not being the adult.
I live like 12 km from Amma, and my fortunately my workplace is 2 km from her. I stop by, in the evenings, almost everyday, even if it is just for 10 minutes.
May be this life preparing me for the better. May be this is how it is, for all.
None of us, back home, were capable of supporting her ride. Ironically, despite not knowing even to ride a bicycle, she was, is, and will always be the driving force of the family.
